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Eddie was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"

Well, it just so happens that Eddie had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on; get out of here."

The following week, Eddie is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?" The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week Eddie shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time Eddie is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious: "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"

Eddie drops his pants, bends over and says "You Tell Me!"

One day, Garrett, Scott and Ross go hunting. Only Scott is a very good hunter, so Garrett and Ross plan to watch him. They arrive at the hunting cabin, and get all set up. The next day, the Scott goes out. He returns with a big deer. The Garrett and Ross ask him how he did that. They can't believe how big the deer is.
" It was easy. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer."
The next day, the Garrett goes out, and comes back with an even bigger deer. The third Ross' eyes bug out when he sees it, and he asks him how he did it.
" Same thing Scott did. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer."
So on the third day, Ross goes out to hunt. He doesn't come back for a very long time. When he staggers into the cabin, rifle gone, all beat up and bruised, with only one boot, the Garrett and Scott are very surprised. They ask him what happened.
" Well...I found the tracks, followed the tracks...BAM got run over by a train."

Rick and Keith were walking through the woods. Rick fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. Keith had a cell phone with and called the operator. He said, I need help, I think my brother is dead! She said, “Calm down, I can help! First, make sure he is dead.” The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. Keith came back on the phone and said, now what?

One day Barnes went into the dentist's to get a tooth pulled. When the dentist told him he needed to give him some anesthetic he refused. The dentist told him this again and he refused saying, "I have experienced the two worst pains in the world I don't need anesthetic". So the dentist pulled the tooth and Barnes just sat there and didn't even flinch. When this was done the dentist says to Terry, "What were those pains ?" Barnes says, "The first one happened while I was out hunting. I squatted down to take a shit and got my balls caught in a bear trap". The dentist asks him what the second one was and the guy says "when I reached the end of the chain."

Todd was getting ready to go hunting and he asked Eddie if he wanted to go along.

" No way!” said Eddie, “We would be getting up early and the weather is going to be shitty. I don’t feel like it."

"Come on", Todd begs, "you never do anything with me."

"Fine", he says, "I'll see you in the morning."

The next morning the Eddie comes by to pick up Todd and he is asleep. “Wake up Todd!” says Eddie. "it's four in the morning." Todd complains.

"That's what time we go", Eddie says, "now move it."

Todd gets out of bed and sees snow all over the ground and refuses to go.

"Fine", says Eddie, "for making me pack double the gear and being a bitch you better suck my dick or let me fuck you in the ass."

Todd abruptly gets on his knees. A few seconds later he pulls his head away.

"Oh, your dick taste like shit."
" I know", says Eddie, "the dog didn't want to go either."

Marshall was telling a Rick and Keith about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. "I was goin' through the woods", Marsh said, "when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly."....."Wow!", said Keith, "that must've been really scary". ..."Yeah", said Marshall telling the story, "The grizzly reared up like this" (Marshall stands up, raises both hands in front...with hands clawed), "and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself!!"...."Well, hell", says Rick, "I'd shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me."......"No, no," said Marshall, I didn't mean, then.....I meant, just now...when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"!

Bob and John were out hunting one day and came across a goat with her head stuck in a fence. John dropped his drawers and bonged her real good and turned to Bob an says "Want some?" Well, ol Bob says "Sure", and stuck his head in the fence next to the goat.

Bruce and Ryan were hunting and they just shot a deer. As they're walking up to it, Ryan says, "Man. Do I have to take a dump." So, Bruce says, "While I start gutting the deer, why don't you take a dump next to them bushes."
" Good idea, be right back."

So Ryan walks over next to some bushes and squats down.

Meanwhile Bruce slices open the deer and throws the guts over his shoulder, landing them next to Ryan, unbeknownst to him.

About an hour later, Bruce says to his friend, "Hey, you okay? "

Ryan says, "Well, I took a shit over in the bushes like you told me, and I shit my guts out. BUT, with a sharp stick and a little of god's luck, I got them all back in!"

Kenny tells Cory that he and his new bird dog can basically talk to each other. Cory says, "right, prove it." So Kenny points to some bushes and his dog runs over, sniffs around, then returns and barks six times. Kenny says, "there are six birds in those bushes." "Prove it", says Cory. Kenny takes a shot in the air and sure enough, six birds come flying out. "That's great", says Cory, "can I try that?" Sure says Kenny, so Cory points to some bushes and off goes the dog. This time the dog is gone for awhile. When he finally returns, he runs up to Cory and start humping his leg. "Get this crazy, faggot dog off me." The dog stops and picks up a stick in his mouth and starts the shake it back and forth. "You've got one crazy dog Dad!" "You and that dog can't talk." Sure we can,” says Kenny. “He's telling me that there are more fucking birds in there than you could shake a stick at!”

The first day of deer hunting season and Gary is walking down the trail. He comes to a clearing and sees a very large buck in plain sight and takes a shot. When the smoke clears he looks and doesn’t see the deer. Suddenly he feels something tapping him on the shoulder, It is the buck and the deer accuses him of trying to shoot him. Gary denies this repeatedly but the deer makes Gary pull down his pants and bend over a log where the deer has his way with Gary. The deer finishes and goes on his way.

The next morning Gary is ready for a little payback. He is walking down the same trail and sees the same deer. This time Gary cleans his sight and takes better aim. When the smoke clears he looks and finds the deer gone again. He throws his rifle down and starts cursing. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. The deer again accuses him of trying to shoot him. Gary persistently denies until the deer makes him pull down his pants and bend over the log again. After the deer is finished he hobbles back to his camp.

The third morning Gary is ready to make the deer pay for the last two days indiscretions. He was up all night cleaning his rifle and adjusting his scope. He finds the same deer at the same clearing and takes very careful sight. He slowly squeezes of the shot and when the smoke clears he once again missed the deer. He takes his rifle and throws it into the woods.

At that moment the buck taps him on the shoulder and says "you didn’t come here to hunt, did you?"

Tony and Andy decided to go on their annual father-son moose hunt in Canada. So they hopped on a float-plane and fly to their destination. When the plane arrives at the lake, the pilot says: "In three days, I'll meet you two guys back here with one moose." The plane flew away and they set up camp.

The first day they shot nothing. The second, Tony shot a moose and on the third day, Andy shot another moose. The plane came to pick them up, and the pilot said: "What are you doing? I told you to be here with only one moose, not two." Tony and Andy told the pilot that last year, the pilot let them take two moose. The pilot wanted to stay competitive with the other pilots and made an exception this time to let them take two moose.

With the extra weight, the plane barely got off the lake, then hit a tree and crashed. Andy crawled over to his dad to see if he was hurt. He shook him, then he woke up and said, dazed: "Where are we?" Andy answered: "About 100 feet from where we crashed last year."

Deer hunting season is coming up... Here is Terry Barnes’ secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.

1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - ''Click''.
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:15 pm - Get ass fucked by Bill Larsen
3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:15 pm - Get ass fucked by Bill Larsen
4:16 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:08 pm - Get dragged out of fire by Bill Larsen and made to give him head as thanks.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:40 pm - Get ass fucked by the bear
6:43 pm - Climb tree after bear goes in for round two.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap your fucking gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it while soaking your ass in hot water and epsom salt.

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